


home is where the heart is but right now mine is breaking

by orphan_account



Series: so no one told you life was gonna be this way [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Moving In Together, So here we are, check for trigger warning in the notes at the beginning, sorry i know some parts of this are like not Great but i can't bring myself to edit it anymore, with the reduntant use of the word "repression"
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-20
Updated: 2017-05-20
Packaged: 2018-11-02 17:10:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10949013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: He supposes things could be worse. How many times had he imagined this, imagined being able to build a life with Magnus, away from the rigid restriction of the Clave’s mandates? But this… this wasn’t how it was supposed to happen.





	home is where the heart is but right now mine is breaking

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This is the first part of a series in which Alec and Magnus starts living together, and a few other friendly faces you'll recognize may or may not be moving into the building as well! I hope for this to be both a fun and emotional story about a found family coming together and having antics and drama as well as dealing with some major issues. There will, at times, be angst, and it looks like we're starting off that way. I promise that this series will get happer as time goes on.
> 
> Trigger Warnings: So, in this story what's basically happened is that Maryse has forbidden Alec to live at the institute and ultimately kicked him out. I'm aware that this is a very serious issue for LGBT+ people, as many face the risk of being thrown out of their own homes for their sexuality. I did my best to treat this with the utmost respect and care, without romanticizing it, but please feel free to make me aware of any missteps and I'll do my best to fix it in the coming installations! Meanwhile, if someone getting kicked out of their house due to parental homophobia is going to be a trigger for you, I'd adviser against reading this. The scene where she does it is not long or explicit, but nonetheless, please be careful. Love to all of you!

 

He’s folding his clothes and it’s not careful or precise, not the way Izzy always handles her things, but it’s something to do besides feel the incessant burn of Magnus’ eyes poring over his slouched form. Alec can’t see him with his back turned as he faces the bed, but he can imagine the look that must be on Magnus’ face. Leaning against the doorframe, slight frown, arms crossed, eyebrows furrowed in pity.

 

Alec’s never liked being pitied.

 

“I’m fine, Magnus,” Alec sighs, bunching black fabric in his fist as he turns toward the other man. He means to sound a little exasperated, but to his own ears, he just sounds tired.

 

“I know. I know you’re fine,” Magnus says in a soft voice, eyes overcome with the shine of a small, sad smile. Alec wonders, for a moment, if he’s just being humored, but there’s something serious in Magnus’ expression that makes him doubt it. _But you don’t always have to be,_ Alec imagines him saying, can practically hear his voice, but he doesn’t, even if he’s thinking it.

 

Alec sighs again, more at himself than anything. He’s getting good at it. He tosses the shirt onto the bed and uses his newly-freed fingers to run a hand through his hair, approaching Magnus as he does. “I don’t mean to- I mean, I’m grateful to you. For, you know, letting me stay here.”

 

He doesn’t want to think about it, about why he needs a place to stay, but now that he’s said it he can’t stop _remembering._ A lot happened that day, and Alec’s still having trouble processing it all, if being totally honest. Most of it was a fast-paced blur, not easy to focus in on anything but a few sharp details. The delicate, hungry press of Magnus’ lips against his. The realization that they might be able to wake up Jocelyn. The fear when he thought Jace was going to go with Valentine. The relief when he didn’t, when they fought their way out and Valentine stepped through the portal empty-handed, smirk somehow still plastered on his face.

 

And, perhaps most vivid of all, his mother’s eyes, bright with angry, unshed tears as she gave him that ugly ultimatum. Magnus Bane or his life as he had always known it. Freedom or safety. Happiness or a life led in repression, always burning so badly with the want of something he would never have. In the end, no matter how it pained him, it hadn’t been a choice, because it wasn’t about choosing Magnus, not really, though Alec certainly didn’t want to lose him either. He thinks maybe it was about choosing himself.

 

He wonders if it was the right call.

 

_By order of Maryse Lightwood, active head of the New York institute, your right to live in the institute’s living quarters is revoked. You will no longer be permitted to stay here. Pack your things. You have twenty-four hours._

 

There were so many things wrong with that, Alec hadn’t been sure where to start. It had felt like a slap in the face to hear her refer to herself as head of the institute, but she wasn’t wrong. Alec was only ever meant to be the interim leader; now that his parents are back, they’re in charge again. Full-swing. Even worse was the almost robotic way her voice had sounded, not giving way to any lilt or hint of emotion one might have thought she would have for her son. It sounded like something being read out of an old handbook- knowing her, it probably was. But the thing that really got to him was _the institute’s living quarters._ That sounded so foreign, so unfamiliar. The institute has been his home for all his life. When he was six and he’d asked to paint his room blue, she’d obliged, probably because he never really asked for anything.

 

_We can break the rules just this once._

 

He hadn’t realized at the time how much she’d meant it. _Just this once._ But never again, god forbid, or else everything you’ve ever known will be taken away. What, just because he’s gay and kissed a downworlder, suddenly it’s _the institute’s living quarters_ instead of his bedroom?

 

He’s angry. Alec is so angry. For a moment, he wants to scream, he wants to cry, he wants to burn the whole fucking institute to the ground and show them what a lifetime of violent repression can do to a person. Instead, he allows Magnus to take his hand, interrupting his mind’s recollection of the the day’s events.

 

“Of course, Alexander.” Their fingers are intertwined and the room is so very still, so very not his. There’s a desk but there’s not a mess of paperwork lying strewn about it, and there’s no _A and I and J were here_ scratched into the wooden leg at the bottom. He doesn’t have any of his own books, and he doesn’t know how the ones here are organized. The walls are a pristine white, and the bed isn’t indented with the shape of his form. Alec knows that if asked, Magnus would change it for him, but there’s not anything wrong with the room itself, it’s very nicely put together- it’s just not _his._ Alec never realized how much he relied on it all for a sense of identity, for a sense of purpose, but now that he doesn’t have all those little details which accumulated over years and years and _years_ , it’s hard to feel like much of a person. Like much of anything.

 

It’s not obvious to him that he’s crying until he hears a little intake of breath, a quiet gasp from Magnus that makes him want to cry harder. “Oh, Alec…”

 

He tries to wipe his eyes with the sleeve of his jacket, but before he can, he’s being pulled into a hug, tight and gentle all at once. “It’s okay, it’s really, I’m-”

 

“Fine,” Magnus finishes for him, and Alec can hear the amusement that would be there under other circumstances. But right now it’s all subtle sorrow, and Alec hates that he’s the cause, even unwittingly.

 

He supposes things could be worse. How many times had he imagined this, imagined being able to build a life with Magnus, away from the rigid restriction of the Clave’s mandates? But this… this wasn’t how it was supposed to happen.

 

They stand there, holding each other so close in the otherwise silent room that Alec can hear his heartbeat, can feel his warm breath against his own neck. Alec is the one to break away first, just so he can see Magnus. He really needs to see him, all of the sudden, and once he does, he finds that they’re both leaning in, both wanting or maybe needing the same thing.

 

The kiss isn’t like the one they shared at Alec’s aborted wedding. It’s slower and tastes a little sweeter. Not better or worse; just different. It’s a kiss of comfort rather than passion. It lasts a long time, makes Alec feel like the entire world around them has stopped. Makes him almost forget that his entire world has turned upside down.

 

The tears haven’t dried but Alec’s not crying anymore, sobs no longer shivering their way up his spine, and eventually they break apart and lean their foreheads against one another.

 

“I don’t have a home, anymore,” Alec finally says with his eyes screwed shut. It sounds like an admission or an apology. His voice cracks on the last word, and Magnus tightens the grip he has on the back of Alec’s shirt.

 

“This,” Magnus tries, voice thick as though he himself is having to contain tears, “this can be home. I know it’s not the same, but- but this can be home.”

 

Alec doesn’t know whether Magnus is talking about the apartment that they now share or this intimate and familiar _thing_ that’s been blooming between them. But Alec does know that he wants to believe him. By the _angel_ , he wants to believe.

 

“Okay,” he says, and it’s just one word but it’s a promise. A promise to let this be home, or at least, a promise to try. He can try. “Okay.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! You can find me on tumblr @thecolormagicmakes.


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